Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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