sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
