Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
