lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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