im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
