About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize