I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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