every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
