Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
