Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
