Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
