i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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