I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
please come you make the beer taste better
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
