i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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