This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
