The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
