We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
