ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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