his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
