i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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