Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
