he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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