My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
