Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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