Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
