May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
