I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
