He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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