I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
