You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize