Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
