Already got asked if we're dating
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
