If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
