In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Randomize