I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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