I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
