She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
