Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
