I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
