he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
