I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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