Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
