i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
