u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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