the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you had me at cake vodka
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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