Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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