I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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