I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
