Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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