Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
