Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
