I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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