So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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