my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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