Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
