I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
