You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
