Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
