the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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